I am starting to place more value on my concerns. I interpret this as a rising sense of being worth it. Moreover, being as honest and observational as possible about my reactions to unwelcome events breeds more authentic, self-generated information rather than the self-limiting attitudes that come from suppressing my feelings and behaving the way I think I'm "supposed to." This deeper embrace of what I am feeling doesn't include expressing the emotion in an unchecked way, but allows for a more nuanced form of neutral acknowledgment spiked with pungent understanding and sweet fondness. The good news is that when there is too much self-generated information to know what to do with, self-generated systems occur to organize it, and this feels something like personal agency. When these motors hum it feels like independence and freedom.
I can also now see internal pain as a way to test and expand my capacity to accept who I am as a man making a go at a challenging, responsible, and productive life. And what is the best container to hold me in that context of trying at life? Certainly not a self-judging mind attempting to coerce its own abstractions by stuffing loose threads within its walls. I see the possibility of a bigger container to occupy. One in which I have space to walk and run and sing and dance. To do everything. And to let what is loose and not understood spill over. In this space I become able to love more of just about all of me. And what I don't love, the container holds that too. Gone are the days of intending to, or hoping someday, that I can "learn to love myself and so love others." How many times have we been told to do this? Here are the days of gaining respect and love for somebody who consistently tries in spite of self-judgement. A man who takes actions in a place where defiance and acceptance converges. Because even atonal compositions harmonize in their own novel way.
The consequence of gaining self respect is that my emotions are starting to feel easier to regulate. At best, I can be swept up by natural life's tendency toward self-correction. By law, chaos begets order. And I can allow this reorganizing stasis to occur internally, and even be enchanted by what's taking place. But even at my worst, I know from past experience that the harsh self-talk isn't nearly as true or interesting as a person who has shown that he can fall, get up, and try again. The man who knows that, at least so far, storms always blow through. The echoes of harsh self-talk resemble the entire person I once was in a shadowy form. Merely an insubstantial entity not really in touch with what is needed to settle in and fill up with the stuff of life. The entity is no longer me now, but a small voice within. I have a deep appreciation for that turn of events in my life. I want to hug the small voice and let it stay in the guest room till it gets back on its feet. I once stayed in that very guest room too.
I also feel empowered as a person who possesses the ability to transform emotions into energy and insight for myself and other people. I can sense a deeper core of universal needs in people and I want to get warmer. My conversations with others about their struggles becomes like a big game of "Hotter, Hotter...Colder, Colder." What gets me closer to the prize and how can I hone the intuition that takes me there? I want to find what's hidden for the benefit of me and for you. Seeing my pains with purpose makes me less likely to resist my own feelings, and being on this mission with other people's struggles helps me be less under the spell of my anxious chatter's inevitable destination of confusion. The data of my mental comments is an unconscious sea of irrational evaluations, reactions, and thoughts, seen through fogged up goggles. I become the lost captain trying navigate what he deep down senses is an unnavigable situation.
The more empowering option here, that of purpose, helps me see a way off the water and back home. It helps me see that peace can be had even when circumstances don't feel resolved. The layer of purpose and acceptance to any of life's events lies underneath, always. And the knowledge that I can always rest my weary self there--solidly so, inspires an invaluable confidence in enduring hardship. This knowledge helps neutralize the overwhelm. It opens up all sorts of possibilities for my spiritual life. It tells me that I can continue my path in understanding how to operate from my heart more than my head. It connects me in a deeply satisfying way. Assuring me that I can meet everyone, anywhere, even when nobody but me is here.
I have a lot of fortunate concerns right now. I love that I have visions and interests in goals and crankiness and sweetness simultaneously. The cup feels very full of juice with added bitters and sugars and muddled up everything. This is in line with what I want out my adult life. A concoction of everything.
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