Pitch #3

Maybe this guy is online looking for information on coconut oil, and he is on this health forum, and one of the comments is talking about how much coconut oil changes your life. He’s going on and on about how it can have an impact on your day and then we transition into a story he tells in the post, which the film follows.

This couple inexplicably dressed in chimpanzee suits. She says, “I should go change.”

The man is watching his girlfriend get ready in the bathroom for a night out on the town and he has only lost his mask, not the suit. He is insecure about something, and he is confronting her about it. She tells him what wonders this coconut oil is doing for her hair. It’s changing her life.

She kisses him goodbye and leaves, and he immediately takes the coconut oil to masturbate with. And then he uses the same jar of oil to make popcorn with, on the stove. He calls his friend while he’s eating some and watching a movie — let’s say, Network or maybe The French Connection -- and he figures out that good ol’ regular movie theater popcorn since they were kids was made with coconut oil. then his friend on the other end tries some on his stove with him over the phone. His friend takes a bite and says, y’know, you’re totally fucking right! And they cheer and after an awkward few seconds post-cheering, and then they hang up the phone.

And she has the best hair night of her life and gets flirted with by everybody. She feels like a total boss and even though is attracted to other people and really asserting how goddamn sexy she is, feeling a palpable amount of self control and valuing her time away from her bf to bolster some self esteem, but appreciating the value of his security and his simple care for her day tp day life.

And she gets home and they both go to bed together, and he’s satisfied and relaxed and she’s going to bed confident that she’s a real catch.

In the morning they wake up at Sunrise and drive out to the lands of dry cracked earth and so drunk on the coconut oil craze, that they attempt to levitate together. They both woke up early because of a thunderstorm, and one thing led to another. Basically, a dare about levitation. So they agreed to try not because they thought they would they were just feeling so connected. And so playful and sarcastic. They were going to be in nature, alone. They got there and took off their clothes and really tried to concentrate together.

Was it the eyes, the hips, the hearts that had to connect? All of it? They were trying all options with big laughter in their glottals and a slightly ambivalent sex vibe going on, when there was a small earthquake and a rapid shifting of the earth’s tectonic plates in this general area they were atempting to use their mental powers to defy the physical world. And so at the exact time too, just as he was rolling over and he was getting more than a glimpse of her sweet naked facade, the ground jolted the couple upward eight to sixteen inches, and before he could land the fucking earth had rotated about 6%.  Holy Mother of a bitch!! She was just trying to adjust her body for the sarcastic levitation attempt when she started fucking levitating! Her naked torso absolutely daring the cracked land to hydrate by lording over it with her goodness and her exposed breasts. Mother of Land. All she could think of was eroding mountains and high tides and solar eclipses all picking up the pace because of her ecstasy.

A pet theory of hers had always been there were people that saw the stars, and then there were the type of people that preferred to know the name of stars. She had always been the latter, but all of a sudden, she could see stars. And it was only 10:30 in the morning. Holy mother of Coconut oil.

The sheer fucking force of the sudden shift in magnetic pulls or actual land shift or some mind breaking shit that had just happened kept holding this sarcastically-paralysed and highly enthusiastic naked woman about eight to sixteen inches over the earth just shoutin' out yeeeeehawwww. We all forget what she shouted, but she hovered for about twenty seconds. He thought it was possible that there were major earthquakes happening all over the world and tsunamis were destroying many of western civilizations' most important sea coasts. Big changes were on the way, and that meant thousands of people were dying at the very moment he and his woman were vaulted into this knew kind of empirical knowledge -- levitating. She had every reason to think that her and her boyfriend were levitating above the earth out of sheer love. And they were. Every reason.

But they weren’t.

The way they saw it though, they were. This experience convinced these two reasonable and thoroughly educated people to spend an hour each week rubbing coconut oil all over each other’s bodies and driving out the dry cracked earth and trying to fucking suspend themselves slightly above the ground by pure love alone. They did it once and they will stop at nothing to do it again.

They don’t levitate again, but they end up with really nice skin, and loving the dickens out of each other.

“You should really try it,” he ends the forum post. Which is what the movie will be called.

Pitch #2....

A misplaced ol' boy in Tenessee is in his late twenties and he just mindfully screws engines into mounting units in an auto factory with south korean manufacturers. Every day for ten to twelve hours. It's a hyundai plant. he’s just great about making sure the car engine he was screwing in would have no problems with its mounting in the future. He seriously pays attention to every thread. And he’s sensual. He’s funny and he really makes a difference in his coworkers’ lives. I'm not kidding when I say he pays attention to every thread.